What are The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace?
How do you prefer to receive appreciation in the workplace? Gary Chapman’s The Five Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace offers 5 common forms of appreciation for you to both receive and give in the workplace. In this episode, Traci and Rob share what the 5 languages are and brief descriptions of what makes each of these unique.
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Announcer:
Welcome to the Overly Human Podcast where we discuss all things human in the workplace. Because it's not just business—it's personal too.
Rob:
So last week we talked through an introduction of The Five Languages of Appreciation in the Workforce and today we're going to walk through each of those a little bit deeper and give examples of both, what that would look like and how we've seen that come out. And this is going to be fun.
Hey, Traci! How are you?
Traci:
I'm good. How are you? Round two of The Five Languages of Appreciation. I'm excited to talk about this, talk about how we all feel and receive and prefer to be appreciated.
Rob:
Yeah. And I think a big part of this overall theme that we talk about over and over again about intentionality. One of the things we talked about last week, and I even was just thinking about most of the week after we talked was, what does it look like? And do I communicate in a manner of which the person who I'm trying to communicate can receive it instead of just how I want to receive or how I get appreciated? So I think it's just a good reminder of all of that over again.
Traci:
I think what has been interesting to me is when they talk about primary language and secondary language, and the primary language being the way we are most deeply fulfilled and how that tends to remain pretty constant like personality, it really made me think about the science behind all of this thinking and the psychology behind all of it. And I really started to ponder, even when I started thinking about my own experience or my husband and how I relate to him, and then people that I've worked with over the years and now, and realizing a lot of this is probably rooted in how we were raised or some of the issues of our childhood or some of the things we were missing or some of the ways that we were affirmed or not affirmed growing up.
And I do think it's interesting to realize that everybody has a story and we talk about in our podcast, the human nature and the humans that we're dealing with and the complexity of being human and leading humans. And I think this is just another way of thinking about how everybody that we interact with, and everybody that we work with is a human; they have a story, they have triggers, they have preferences, they have personalities and it's a lot to navigate, but it's also super interesting.
And I think this is just another way for us to look at each other as opposed to a means to an end or a commodity or just profitability or productivity to just be looking in each other's eyes and realizing that we're humans existing together and whether we're trying to create a product or a service or make the world better in our own little way through our own companies, we have to pay attention to this if we really want to be successful and want to have a positive impact.
So to me, it's all fascinating. Of course, I'm a bit of a psychology geek, but I do think it's a great reminder for us as leaders in how we're looking at each other and experiencing each other on a daily basis.
Rob:
Yeah. I think the root of all of this is we know that high functioning teams that can deliver results are based on trust and all of the other things and in order to have that and to have people who are speaking honestly, and working well together, and all of that it's about them showing up, giving them the tools they need to show up in the right way every day and part of that's feeling appreciated for the work they're doing. If their work should be appreciated, they're part of our teams, they're contributing members of what we do. So making sure that they understand that they're appreciated is part of the job.
Traci:
Yeah. Also, we do know that it makes business sense. We know that this way of leadership and this awareness is going to engage our employees, and engagement and appreciation equals retention. And right now that's the name of the game as we talked about in the last episode this couldn't be more timely. We need to figure out and make sure we're paying attention on how to create an environment and a culture where people want to stay and engage and dig in and feel purpose and fulfill mission. And so, this is a big, big, big piece of that puzzle.
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Rob:
All right. Let's jump into this. So the five we're going to cover today are
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Acts of Service
Tangible Gifts
Physical Touch
Traci:
Yes.
Rob:
So let's jump into the first one, Words of Affirmation. You got a good definition for how this plays out?
Traci:
Yeah. So the definition is using words to communicate a positive message. And this is about affirming other people, either using just spoken words in the moment or written words. So you're either speaking words of affirmation to somebody, one on one in front of a group, or you're writing them a note or an email or something in Slack where you're also appreciating them. So it's getting those words to the other human, affirming them.
Now, this book talks a lot about the different dialects within each language, so each thing that you just listed is considered a language that is heard and received and then there's dialects within that. And there are people who have preferences or respond more to those certain dialects within, not to make it more complicated, but it does make sense.
So the dialects within words of affirmation are
There could be praise for accomplishments.
There could be affirmation for their personality, you're recognizing their behaviors or personality traits.
There could be affirmation for their character traits.
And I think those three key dialects are interesting because it does give a little variety in how we're using our words. And not just one way.
So praise for accomplishment, you're catching someone doing something, a specific task or a job, and you're organically giving them praise in that moment or in front of the whole team if they've done something well like completed a project or something well, you're affirming them in front of the whole team.
the personality is really just the traits like, “I really like how organized you are.” Or, “You're so detail-oriented.” Or, “You're very creative.” Or, “You had a great idea in the meeting, thanks for sharing that.” You're talking about these innate giftings that they have.
And then the character traits are things that are... Their humility, their integrity, they're so generous. “Thank you for being honest.” ”Thank you for owning up to your mistakes.” Affirming their character.
So those are just some of the examples that fall into this first bucket.
Rob:
This feels like one of the easier ones to do as a leader. This is one that feels fairly natural to me anyway but it's easy if someone has this language of appreciation to make them feel appreciated. A quick note, a quick comment.
I've also noticed over my career that somebody who has this language of appreciation, they need it. They need to hear these words often and on a regular basis. While it's also one of the easiest to get to and to affirm that person, it also has one of the shorter impacts.
Traci:
I think it probably depends on, again, if this is your language. So I think if this is your language and you do give that person these words of affirmation, it can fill their bucket up more so than somebody if this is a secondary or their least preferred, it's only going to give them a drop in there.
And I think this is probably the leadership trait or skill or tip that is given most often. So I think when people think of appreciation in the workplace, this is the one they think. It's more of a stretch to think of the other ones we're about to talk about, but this is the one that's probably talked about the most and considered the best way to appreciate.
I think the trick in this one—that you and I have talked about before, and I think is worth repeating—is that it has to be sincere. It has to be organic. I think people are able to see through and quickly reject insincere or just, I'm checking this box as a leader because I have to, delivery of affirmation.
Rob:
I think this is also one of the easier ones to do in a remote world. This one can be done over Zoom, can be done over email, can work over Slack. It is in a place where it's the most accessible to us in a busy world where maybe we're not in contact in a physical space with everybody very often at all anymore.
Traci:
It's a way, in the remote world, of making sure your team feels seen. So when you're not in a physical space, it's really hard to feel seen or noticed because you feel like you're working in your bedroom or you're working in your home office. And so, words of affirmation are a really easy way to help people feel connected and seen and noticed.
And I think even if a person, this isn't their language, this isn't their number one way of being fulfilled, I think it's one of those universal things that needs to happen regardless. I just think if it's your number one, you're just going to want to double down with that person.
Rob:
Yeah. And it's definitely one a lot of the HR team tools definitely facilitate very easily.
Traci:
Yeah, exactly.
Rob:
So, all right. Anything else to say?
Traci:
No. Second one is Quality Time. Now, this is an interesting one in the remote world. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this, but quality time is giving individual time and attention. It's really about giving someone undivided personal attention. And I think that's the key, I would underline that word several times. That undivided, connected moment.
There's dialects, of course, within this one as well, which is
Quality conversations
Shared experiences
Small group dialogues and
Working in close physical proximity for a project.
Rob:
I think this is one that almost was easy in a non-remote world we were all in the office together to do this and almost have this be just ever present with people. And as said it has become something that's had to become very intentional for those people who either need it, or you want to continue with that.
And it's a hard one, I think in a lot of ways, because even as we sit here and talk and do this podcast, I'm on my computer, I have to turn off notifications and be really intentional about setting things up to have an undivided conversation, even if we're going to record it.
Traci:
Yeah. And I think that the thing that's interesting about this too, when we talk about remote and coming out of the pandemic is that I heard from a lot of clients and leaders that, “Oh, my extroverted employees are having the hardest time because they're not getting filled up by just the contact with, and being in the room with other people.” But when it comes to quality time as a language of appreciation, this shows up just as strongly and introverts as it does with extroverts.
And again, we're talking about appreciation. So this is a leader showing appreciation or a coworker showing appreciation for another coworker by giving them quality time. And so, I can remember just a few times when coaching clients, during the pandemic and just new clients that were going remote for the first time and saying, “Well, you need to have a one-on-one conversation with that person you need to…” And they would say, “Well, I don't really have a reason to call them.” And I totally got that because they were living in this world of Zoom meeting after Zoom meeting and they're working on projects and trying to get things out the door and having their LT meetings and all of that. And so, it felt awkward all of a sudden to just email somebody and be like, “Hey, do you have 10 minutes to catch up” or whatever. It felt a little awkward when you weren't used to doing that.
Whereas when you're in the office and you run into somebody in the kitchen grabbing something out of the fridge, you can have a very natural conversation. Or if you want to be super intentional, you can say, “Hey, do you want to grab coffee this morning?” Or, “Hey, I want to do lunch with you today.” And so it's easier, but that doesn't mean that we're going to throw out the baby with the bath water in the remote world. We just have to be more intentional.
It might feel awkward at first, but again we're talking about, if these people don't feel appreciated or we're not fulfilling them in the way that they need to be fulfilled, then they might leave our remote world and go find a job in an office. But we could accomplish this in a remote world if we're intentional about it.
Rob:
Yeah, totally. I mean, it's one of those things with all of my directs, I've got a weekly one-on-one. And there are times where there is not something on the agenda but we still meet. It's time that we can just spend together, even if it is over Zoom. And if we get done early great, but I don't like canceling those because I want that space, I want to have that regularity in conversation so that it gives space for things to come up. And it gives that connection point where it's like, no, this is part of the deal, this is part of that weekly cadence that we do to make sure that that connection's not lost.
Traci:
Yeah. And the way that you also, and I'm assuming you probably do this, but when you're meeting with people, especially who have this as their number one language, is that undivided feeling. So, logging on and even telling them upfront, “Hey, I've turned off my slack, I have my email and this time's just for you.” If you start the meeting with that, you have already won. And I think people are like, “Oh, well they know, because I'm not looking around or whatever.” No, they don't know. They don't know that you don't have slack up and they do not know that you don't have your email screen up in front of your face.
And, I think people think they've gotten really good at multitasking and that people should know that they're paying attention and, “It's okay, I'm really good at multitasking.” Oh my gosh. It drives me crazy. And even I have some coaching clients where I have to say, you're paying for this coaching session and you're not fully engaged. And I think that's been the biggest hurdle in this new Zoom environment way of working is people not getting the whole undivided attention aspect of it.
Rob:
And they know if you're not though. So, early 2020 I was on a one-on-one and one of the people that I do a weekly one-on-one with was talking and a notification flashed. My attention went and I'll never forget, she looked at me and she's like, “And now I've just lost you.” And I'm like, “Ah, okay”. One, I felt bad that my attention had drifted but at the same time I was like, “I really appreciate it.” I thanked her. I was like, “Thank you for calling me out on that. I owe you this and this time, this is our time together. Whatever it is can wait until after we're done.”
Traci:
I think some clues, which in our next episode, we can maybe hone in on the clues here for trying to figure out what other people are. But one of the things that I notice about people who have quality time is this priority to be able to spend time with their family. They're going to be the ones in the meeting that are pushing for a company retreat, especially if you're a remote company like, are we going to have a company retreat? Are we going to get together quarterly? When you hear your teammate saying things like that, more than likely this is their number one language because they just need that time. So, it's just an important little clue to note.
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Rob:
That's a good one.
So, the third one is Acts of Service. And that's pitching in to help get things done. And I think when we talk about the definition is this is receiving help from their colleagues makes them feel appreciated. And that could be struggling with work tasks, it could be some help outside of the office too.
There's a couple different dialects for this one as well
Make sure you complete your own responsibilities before helping others and
You ask before you help and respect that you're doing it their way—you need to make sure that you are helping them finish what they think is satisfactory and what they need to get done.
Make sure you finish what you start and then get feedback.
So, I think that this one is also an interesting one to help identify in your team because this is one that can get really, really lost, especially in a remote or distributed world.
Traci:
Yeah. Again this that we're talking about collaboration here, we're talking about just showing up for that other person, showing up for that coworker and supporting them and a way that they don't feel alone, they feel connected. This can be a hard one to do remotely. When we talk about intentionality, this is intentionality because sometimes we don't know what's going on. We don't know where the gaps are, we don't know who needs help.
And I think, again, as a leader, this is going to take a little bit of sleuthing to figure out who appreciates this and can we provide genuine effort to help. And I think that's, again, that genuine approach to how we're appreciating the person is key.
Rob:
And I think that we need to make sure that we understand the line between sometimes a leader or manager helping or redirecting other people to help them to get something done. If there's a tight timeline or a bottleneck or something else going on, that something just has to get done, that probably doesn't count as an act of service. Sometimes that's necessary, but then we have to make sure if we're going to do that, especially with somebody who has that language of appreciation that they know it's, “Hey, this is necessary, this isn't because you're failing necessarily or any of that.” All the time, “But this had to get done and we needed to make sure this get done for the bigger goal.”
Traci:
With this one, I think the easy thing to remember is just saying, “Hey, Denise, I finished my tasks. Do you have anything I can help you out with?” And I think this one is a little easier to understand and visualize in the book, the Five Love Languages when we're talking about marriage or partnership, a spouse showing up and saying, “Hey, I'm going to clean the kitchen for you. I'm going to load the dishwasher for you. Or let me go run the errand and pick up the dry cleaning instead of you. You just stay home, put your feet up”. Now, if your spouse has this as a love language and this acts of service, they're going to feel so appreciated.
It's a little harder in work because we all have these responsibilities and we have authority over certain things and so we can feel vulnerable. But if we've created an environment in the workplace where people feel safe and the teammates trust each other, then when somebody says, “Hey, can I help you with that? Or do you want me to do that piece of the puzzle for you? While you work on this other big part of the project?” And there's safety in that environment, then the person's going to be like, “Yes, thank you.” And they're going to feel that appreciation. They're going to feel that connection. So this is really about having that safe environment culturally on a team.
Rob:
Yeah. So up next, number four is Tangible Gifts. And that's thoughtful non-monetary gifts. And that can be examples of maybe a gift certificate or a present or something that aligns with their interests or tickets to a concert or whatever else.
Traci:
Yeah. And I think this is beyond, you just said beyond monetary things, because most everybody is going to want that paycheck, I think, and are going to appreciate the bonus or whatever it is that monetarily we set up and how we pay our employees every year or quarterly or raises or that type of thing. This is separate from that. This is that finding the right gift for the person who appreciates this. So, yet another language that takes a little bit of extra thought.
I find that the best gift-giving is when you've put some thought in, is when you're not just giving everybody the Target gift card or giving everybody the tickets to the baseball game when they have zero interest in the baseball game. So, this is really knowing the person and I like that. It forces the leader to say, “Oh, well, I'm going to have to be a little more curious about this person. I'm going to have to learn a little bit about their life. I'm going to have to see what their likes and dislikes are.” And that means that we have to lean in as a leader and knowing our employees or knowing our teammates. And that's what I really, really like about this particular language is that it forces us to have to lean into each other's lives and know each other.
Rob:
I think that this is a really good one and I think this is one that Sparkbox does pretty well. We've set up a system where our Humans Team keeps an ear out for those gifts and makes notes about who likes what throughout the year so that we can make sure that when that time comes up, those things can be given in context. The other thing that they do really, really well is make it known to all of the directors and managers and leaders that they will facilitate any of the things getting to people if they find, or people identify something in context.
So sometimes I'll see a conversation in Slack or be having a conversation in slack with somebody and something will come up and I'll just take a screenshot or send somebody on the Humans Team, a link. And then that item shows up at their house in a couple days. For example, the other day, one of our designers was showing off a room that they had painted. And their room was a peachy color with a rainbow drawn into the wall and all of that. And it just reminded me of the Rainbow Care Bear. And so I actually posted that picture of that rainbow care bear into the Slack conversation and this person reacted and thought it was funny, like “Yeah, I just need to get one of those.” So, I immediately captured that, sent it off to the Humans Team, and two days later that showed up at her house. And it was something small, something almost silly. What was really funny was, is two different people had sent her one so she ended up getting two different ones—one from the Humans team and one outside of the Humans team.
There's just tons of little examples that I think this gets to really showing people that you're paying attention to the things that aren't part of the workday, that aren't directly related to the work.
Traci:
That's awesome. I love that.
Rob:
Yeah. So I guess what my point is you can set up systems to help facilitate that for your team as well. To make it more seamless for those things to happen.
Traci:
Yeah, absolutely.
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Traci:
All right. Last one, Physical Touch. This one's so interesting, right? Using encouraging touch in appropriate ways.
They made a note saying that they had initially excluded this. Obviously, it's very important in the Five Love Languages and personal relationships. But in the context of work, it's always been tricky, I just want to point that out. But it's just, people are more aware of the trickiness of it nowadays and it can be inappropriate in some set, in some ways that it's exhibited. And it can also be culturally sensitive for some people. So some people culturally don't come from a culture that is physical.
But I think the reason they added back in is that it is still important to some people and there are some people, and I have definitely worked with some people who are just big teddy bears or they love to high five. I've definitely have worked with a few gentle giants, just guys who just love to give you a big old bear hug. I can remember after the whole #metoo came out and there was just a lot of stories that came out and I'll give you two stories.
When I first started out in my career, and this is how old I am, we used to have these computer terminals that you would sit at and because we didn't all have a computer back then—it just sounds so old saying that, but anyhow—that was the way it was. And I remember sitting at the computer terminal and this guy just coming over and starting to rub my shoulders and play with my bra strap and talk to me. And I remember thinking this is wildly uncomfortable, this is inappropriate. What he is doing is wrong.
By contrast, I had the most amazing boss who would always just give me a bear hug when something went great or I closed a big deal, and he just would say give me a big hug and say, “I'm so proud of you.” And that felt amazing, I felt loved. I felt appreciated. So I had two totally different experiences in the same exact workplace. And so there is a way to be appropriate and there is definitely a way to be inappropriate. And I know it's probably harder for men than women to discuss this topic, but there are people who, this is how they feel appreciation and this is how their buckets are filled.
Rob:
Yeah. This is a tricky one. I probably would classify myself as a hugger. I don't mind a hug, but I'm also pretty respectful of somebody else's preferences and physical space. And like this is one of those things that it is a real thing, we used to have a pretty robust high fiving culture when we had an office and there was moments that there was people that we worked with and still work with that were like. “I prefer not to high five.” And it's like, “Okay, that's fine.” But it definitely became the norm for a while and we had to reign that in a little bit and make it not the expectation.
Traci:
And I do think it's pretty easy to figure this out with people. Usually, there are people you can tell right away that they want to hug or high five or give you a handshake or they'll pat you on the shoulder. And you can tell that there are other people who just don't. They have their arms by their side, and I think this is part of emotional intelligence too, is being able to read the room, being able to notice that in people, having your radar up, and being respectful, this is all about respect. And I think as long as you have your radar on, as long as you're respectful, if you're comfortable and giving the person who does love physical touch appropriate response back.
And if you're not, if you're listening to this and you're like, “I hate it, I hate when people touch me, I don't even like it when people shake my hand.” If you are that person, it's perfectly okay to set your boundaries. To immediately hold up a hand and say, “Oh, no, no, I'm, I'm fine.” And for us as leaders to respect that fully and not say things like, “Oh, come on, just give me a hug.” Or, “Oh, come on, just high-five me, what's the big deal?” You need to erase all of that out of your repertoire and just respect people where they are.
Rob:
And if in don't, ask. This is in a professional business environment, ask and I think that's... I'll never forget, I was at a conference several years ago, we were running a career booth; come work at Sparkbox, taking resumes, and whatnot. And there was several people that didn't shake hands and it was this moment, even something like as simple as just reaching out and shaking the hands they were like, “No.” So I learned very quickly from doing that it is a cultural norm usually in business-setting and that kind of thing. But I tried to get really comfortable with them extending their hand first and if they did, I'd be happy to shake it, but letting them set that boundary. I think that's always a safe place to be is most people who have this as their language of appreciation, won't hesitate to initiate.
Traci:
Yeah, exactly.
Rob:
Then you will you'll know where they're at pretty quickly.
Traci:
You are right, you can decide. And I think that's probably, it's safer today as we record this, it's safer to have that approach is to let the people who like and need physical touch to initiate because not just the possible inappropriateness or the possible cultural problems, there's also post-pandemic world where some people have lost loved ones or they have long-haul COVID or they have some autoimmune disease or whatever it is, or they're going through chemo, and we just don't know. And so, there's that whole extra added of... Some people are just still trying to deal with the world we're living in and reentering slowly but surely. And we just need to let people reenter on their own terms.
Rob:
Any parting thoughts, Traci?
Traci:
I know in the next episode, we're going to definitely talk about what our primary languages are. And then probably dig a little bit deeper into each of these as far as examples and how we as leaders have shown appreciation in each of these five buckets.
So, I'm excited for the next episode, but I loved pulling apart and defining each one. So, yeah. I'm excited to go a little bit deeper with some fun stories next time.
Rob:
Yeah, that'll be good. Looking forward to it. Thanks, Traci.
Traci:
Thank you.
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