Rob and Traci Learn Their Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace
Have you taken the quiz for your Language of Appreciation? After reading Gary Chapman’s The Five Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace, Rob and Traci discuss their Languages of Appreciation and how knowing their Language impacts their work.
Check out similar episodes:
Rob:
Hey, Traci. How are you doing today?
Traci:
I'm doing okay. It's feeling like... What did we say? It's like a soupy day. It's like thick and foggy. And I don't know, even though it's sunny and lovely outside, there's been obstacles today, let's just say.
So I'm entering into our conversation of Languages of Appreciation just... Well, it's kind of funny, right before I logged on to talk to you, finding out that my daughter's car that we have been waiting for, for months and months and months, is still not ready. And I know that this is a First World problem, but it's really frustrating because I feel like—and I've mentioned this to you before—is that when I'm feeling frustrated and I'm not sure why, like, "Why is it bothering me so much?" I always look at my core values because I figure something has rubbed up against my core values.
And we've talked before about if somebody's really inauthentic, or not being themselves, or letting their insecurities take over, that I have a lot of trouble with that because authenticity's one of my core values. Excellence is one of my core values. I have this thing about quality, and I think it's rubbing up against that. I feel like it's just one mistake after another and one excuse after another, and then they forget us. And my husband and I have two different communication styles. Mine's a little more American. His is a little more Irish. He tends to be a bit more laid back. I tend to be a bit more like, "Where the heckity heck's the car?" So I'm dealing with that today. And so there's that.
How are you?
Rob:
Ah, I think the word I would use is things feel a little chunky at the moment.
Traci:
Chunky soup.
Rob:
Life's interesting. Things are pretty good. I think we've talked about this before, that one of my things that makes me effective at what I do, but also I struggle with, is wanting to move on to the next thing. I am wired in such a way where I won't necessarily stop and celebrate something because I'm already on to the next thing that I want to solve.
And one of the things that I'm realizing, at least in our organization at the moment, is we're at a place right now that needs a little settling. I can see the next couple things that I think need to be done, but the people that need to be involved with those conversations, they haven't got to settling yet for the things that we were doing before.
So I'm feeling a little impatient, but trying to remind myself that patience is a virtue and it's actually playing the long game is what's important here.
Traci:
So it sounds like we both need some patience, I guess.
Rob:
Yeah.
Traci:
Does patience come easily to you? Because it doesn't come to me. I have to admit, I have to coach myself all the time on the whole patience thing.
Rob:
For me, it depends on the context. I kind of operate in this space where in my heart of hearts, I believe that if things are broken, it's my fault and it's my responsibility to fix it. So if I feel like I can make action on something, then I feel impatient because I'm ready. I'm always ready. I'm ready to go.
But in other aspects outside of professional, I'm pretty patient, I'm pretty easygoing. Yeah. So it depends on the context for me.
Traci:
Yeah. Maybe I'm just impatient when I know the problem's solvable. Like, I know that this issue could be solved with effort, and I think that that definitely sparks my impatience. If I know that it's nobody's fault and I know the person's trying and I know it just is what it is, I'm fine. I can be fine with it.
Rob:
It almost sounds like what you're saying is you're willing to be patient, unless you think that impatience will solve the problem.
Traci:
That could be true too. Because I mean, are we supposed to just not say anything? I don't know.
Traci:
If we know the problem's solvable. Well, you know what I always say? I always say it's all in the delivery. Nobody needs to be mean. Nobody needs to be unreasonable. As long as you're reasonable and your delivery is respectful, then I think you can voice your concern when things aren't going the way they should.
Rob:
Yeah, understood.
So I think this is an interesting segue into what we're talking about today, which is our individual Languages of Appreciation, right?
Traci:
Yes.
Rob:
How do we feel appreciated, and what does that look like?
Announcer:
Welcome to the Overly Human Podcast, where we discuss all things human in the workplace. Because it's not just business—it's personal too.
Rob:
I've got my results in front of me, and I know you've got your results in front of you as well.
Traci:
Yes.
Rob:
We don't know what each other's Languages of Appreciation are.
Traci:
Right.
Rob:
So maybe I would like you to guess what mine is, and then I'll guess what yours is, and then we can walk through them.
Traci:
You're going to make me go first?
Rob:
Yeah. Well, I won't-
Traci:
I'm trying to think what you would be. It's a little hard. I'm wondering. I don't know. Okay. Well, first let me ask you this. Did you take this test for the 5 Love Languages for your marriage as well, or relationships?
Rob:
It's been a long time ago since I've done that one.
Traci:
Because I was wondering if you had the same ones, because I did have the same ones.
Rob:
I do have the same one. Yes.
Traci:
Okay. Let's see. Would you be quality time?
Rob:
Nailed it. Yeah.
Traci:
Okay.
Rob:
Yeah. That is my primary one.
Traci:
Yay!
Rob:
I was going to guess the same one for you.
Traci:
That's right.
Rob:
Yeah.
Traci:
I was going to guess something else, but then I was like, "I bet you we're the same ones." Because look at us doing this every week, spending quality time.
Rob:
That's right. Anybody who asks what it's like to do this, I'm like, "Well, it's the other half-hour that we spend not recording and just chatting is the best part of doing this over time."
So what's your number two, then? I won't make a quiz. We'll just do a reveal here.
Traci:
Okay. So mine is acts of service.
Rob:
Okay. We differ there. Mine's words of affirmation.
Traci:
Okay. I would've guessed that too. Yeah. Because it's interesting. At first, when I saw that, when I did the Love Languages, I was like, "Wait, I don't understand." And then when I read, "acts of service," it made sense to me. Because in my marriage, quality time, I love to just be with other people in general, but I love real connected time with people. I love when we're sitting around and hanging out and really listening to each other and having really deep conversation. I loved that at work, and I love that in my relationships, and I love that at my marriage. And I do think that's one of the main reasons why I married my husband, because it's like, when I'm with him, I don't feel like there's anybody else in the room. He's really good when he's giving quality time. When the computer is closed, he's good at it.
And I think that's why I would have, had I still been in corporate America in the big office building downtown in Chicago during the pandemic, I would have really been sad. I would have really missed the time we spent, because we laughed a lot at work. And I think I would have missed that during that period of time.
And acts of service, I think, I'm kind of a visionary at heart. I like dreaming things up. I'm not good with the details. And so having people come alongside me at work or being on a team always felt great because I felt like everybody could find their role. And I think in my relationships when somebody does something for me, I'm not big on asking, but when somebody does, like my husband goes and gets my Starbucks, or a friend drops something off unexpectedly, picks something up for me, or brings my child home from school when I can't get there, I'm like, "Oh my gosh. That was just so amazing." I feel so helped and loved.
So what about you? How do you realize these Languages?
Rob:
Yeah. I mean, quality time is something that I did really struggle when the world went remote. I was one of a small handful of people who was in the office almost every day. Always went to the office because I wanted to be around people. Even as the last several years before the pandemic really settled in, we were pretty flexible and had a very hybrid environment and all of that, but I still went into the office every day.
And it's even continued today where several of the people that I work with on a day-to-day basis, I'll do lunch with or do coffee with. And just today one of our directors was in my part of town doing a lunch meeting and said like, "Hey, can I just come over for a 101?" And I'm like, "Oh, absolutely." Right? And we didn't even have that much on the agenda. But just spending that 45 minutes together is important. And I think it can be replicated and over Zoom and all of that, but it's been something that had to be really intentional over time for me to be able to replicate that and show up that way.
And my secondary is those words of affirmation. It's interesting. I feel like my role so often is invisible to a lot of people. So those words of affirmation let me know that people are paying attention and that they do see it. Right? I often describe the things that I do as like the invisible hand, like moving the pieces around and trying to set things up for us to be successful but not being in front of things.
What's really interesting is the fact that we both have the same one. And I'm thinking about back to the time we met. We were at an event together. I think we've told this story before, right? We were at an event together. The powers that be at this event sat us right next to each other in assigned seating. And we became super fast friends and spent a bunch of quality time together over the next several days.
Traci:
Yeah. And I think we just launched right into just having a personal connection, talking about life, talking about work. It was just like a genuine interest. And I think we definitely have that in common because I feel like I can easily connect with people I think are present. That they're present, they genuinely authentically want to connect with others, want to learn more about others, and there's that focused attention.
And I think by contrast, if somebody's not showing up, or not participating well, or zoning out, or looks uninterested, I can sometimes have a strong disappointment in that or reaction to that or just feel like they're missing out on something. I think that, yeah, we definitely have that kind of human connection, that we really like to be present in life.
Rob:
Yeah. And I think that's like, to go one step further, what you just said, if somebody isn't showing up in a way where they're valuing that, to me, it feels like, "Well, why bother? If you don't want to be here, just don't." This is an interesting exercise to go through because there are other people with other Languages of Appreciation and other Love Languages that show up differently based on what they usually want. Right?
And I think that I'm just thinking through this as we talk through it and this is probably why for you and I's relationship over the years, it's been really easy for us to show up in the same way that the other appreciates.
Traci:
Yeah, exactly.
Rob:
It's easy. It feels easy because we both speak the same Language. Right?
Traci:
Yep. Yeah.
Rob:
So that's really interesting. And then there's, I'm actually getting ready, I think, to send the quiz out to all of my direct reports and just have them take it.
Traci:
Ah, good.
Rob:
And we can all share the results with each other because it's been eye-opening as we've walked through this again.
Announcer:
The Overly Human Podcast is brought to you by Navigate the Journey. Navigate the Journey comes alongside entrepreneurial companies, allowing them to get what they want from their business, their team, and their leaders. Learn more at navigatethejourney.com.
Rob:
What is your least value?
Traci:
My least value? It is receiving gifts.
Rob:
Okay.
Traci:
How about you?
Rob:
Mine is having others help you with projects. Like-
Traci:
Oh, the acts of service.
Rob:
Yeah. I can't say I hate it, but that's not what I'm looking for. That's definitely down there on the bottom. The other thing I completely noticed when I was taking the quiz on the 5 Languages site is there is no questions about physical touch in Languages of Appreciation.
Traci:
Yeah. How would they know that?
Rob:
Well, there's just no questions. And I would say that's probably, for me, up there. Because I was the leader at the office for years giving high fives. And I think I said this last week, but I'm a hugger and like doing it in a respectful way where it's reciprocal and all that fun stuff. But when I see somebody that I'm close with that I've not seen in a long time, it's not unnatural at all for me to give somebody a hug.
Traci:
Oh, yeah. Yeah. I love all of that. I am definitely a hugger. I'm not going to see a friend and not hug them. And so also another hard thing during the pandemic, the whole like, "Yeah, let me just give you the elbow thing." It's like, "What?"
And the receiving gift thing is interesting to me because it's not like I don't like get getting gifts, and I love giving gifts. So, that's really weird. Because sometimes they'll say, or in the book it'll say, "Your lowest Language sometimes you have the hardest doing as well." And it's like, that's not true for me. I love to try to dream up the gift that people want or something super interesting. Or something I heard somebody say once they wanted a year ago, I'll jot it down just so I could give it to them later. But I'm not a person that wants gifts. It's weird. Yeah, I'd rather somebody say, "Hey, you want to go out to dinner," every day of the week than give me a gift.
Rob:
Yeah. I'd rather have that time than-
Traci:
Yeah. I'd rather have the time than the thing. Tom and I talk about this a lot too, because I'm not the type of person who likes shopping all that much, but I love going on vacations. I love planning a good trip and renting a great Airbnb. I'll look for hours on that. So, that again feeds into quality time. My family is a unit. We're super close with our kids. And to me it's because I value quality time so much and I'm not spending my money on things. I'm just not super interested in it.
So when I got the results back, at first I was like, "Huh, this is interesting." And then the more I read it, I was like, "Oh yeah, that actually is me."
Rob:
Yeah, it's interesting. Out of all of the different assessments we've done during the course of this podcast, this is by far the simplest one, the shortest one.
Traci:
Yes. Took five minutes.
Rob:
Yeah. It's 25–30 questions and you go through it pretty quick. But I also think it's pretty enlightening too. And it's something, as we've talked about last week, was it's super-duper important to understand.
And I think just the fact of being aware of it, like everything else, right? Like, can we be intentional with this information? Can we make sure that if we're going to put effort into those relationships that we have, that we're being effective with our communication and it's being received in the way that we want to intend it? Because I think that you pointed out something really interesting, which is, "This is really low for me, but I like doing it." Right?
And I feel almost the same way, as I don't really feel appreciated if you offer to help me a whole lot, but I'm happy to help you. If you want my help, I'm happy to. And if you think I have something to contribute or you just need a relief valve. And some of that's like my role and what I think my job is, but some of that's because I really do want you to feel appreciated in that way.
Traci:
Yeah. I mean, just even having the conversation we're having now, I can imagine what it'll be like for you to have that with your team, because it is such a fun thing to think about and to realize about your teammates. And hopefully, people will remember and be able to live out these Languages with each other and meet people.
We always say don't treat people as you want to be treated, treat people as they want to be treated. And this is just another little tool to meet people where they are and to help them feel recognized and seen. And I think that's a really hard thing in our culture today is being seen and known. That's what every human desires. And this is just another way of helping our team feel seen and known.
Rob:
Yeah. I don't know that I have much to add to that. That's pretty complete thought.
Traci:
Well, it's definitely a fun book. It's quick, it's simple. And like you said, taking the quiz is quick and simple, but you get a ton of information back. And I really think I'm going to actually look even further into some of the research behind it. I'm just curious to see even from a gender perspective and just to see how people fall out and if there's any commonalities or trends, because I think that would be interesting to see as well. But I love this stuff. It's so fun.
Rob:
Well, I mean, it's great because it helps you identify and just act with intention, right? So much of this is making the unconscious conscious so that we can do something with it.
Traci:
Yeah. And it's for our self-awareness so we can be better leaders, we can know ourselves. And we can know if we're not feeling appreciated or we're not feeling like we're connecting, we're probably not getting this language that we need. And now we have words that we can use to tell people that.
Like I think that maybe one of the reasons I'm not feeling appreciated at work right now is because my opportunity for quality time is low. So I need to go forth and try to make that happen and try to create those spaces and opportunity for myself before I just blame everything on work or a client or something like that. And so when we're feeling frustrated or we're feeling like we're not feeling appreciated at work, maybe we need to ask ourselves these questions first before we jump to conclusions.
Rob:
Yeah. In this case, knowing yourself allows you to communicate to those around you. And that's one of the things that the quiz gives you is like, "Hey, here's a document you can give to people, give to your supervisor, give to your peers, so that they will know how to show up for you in a way that you'll receive it." And everybody can be happier?
Traci:
Yeah.
Rob:
Or at least appreciated.
Traci:
Well, appreciated, which leads to contentment. And I think, like we talked about in the very first episode, this is one of the top three reasons why people are leaving their job. And we're all about retention right now, wanting to keep our team happy. And it's not always just about money or about flexibility or about any of those kind of hot topics. Sometimes it's just, they don't feel connected to, they don't feel appreciated, they don't feel like they're seen.
And I think to just be able to take somebody who values quality time to lunch or to just pick up the phone randomly and give them a call and see how they're doing might be enough to keep them from leaving. I mean, that doesn't cost anything. And I think, so this information is so valuable.
As somebody who values words of affirmation, all you need to do is recognize them in a team meeting, say a few things to them when you see that they've done a great job, either one-on-one or in front of the team, and that will keep somebody from leaving. I mean, that's the fascinating thing about it is that having this knowledge can be the key to filling somebody's bucket so that they feel content and will stay.
Rob:
Yeah. Takes a village.
Traci:
It takes a village and some knowledge.
Rob:
Yeah. And some awareness.
Traci:
And some awareness. Awesome.
Rob:
Well, Traci, I hope your day gets less soupy.
Traci:
Yes. And yours less chunky.
Rob:
Yeah. Thank you. I appreciate that.
Traci:
Awesome.
Rob:
All right.
Traci:
Till next time.
Rob:
All right. Bye.
Announcer:
The Overly Human podcast is brought to you by Navigate the Journey and Sparkbox. For more information on this podcast, or to get in touch with Traci or Rob, go to overlyhuman.com. If you like what you've heard, subscribe and tell your friends to listen. Thanks.
