Introduction: The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace
You might have already heard about The 5 Love Languages, but have you heard about Gary Chapman’s The Five Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace? More than ever, because of The Great Resignation—or as we like to call it The Great Reshuffle—we need to show our employees appreciation in the ways they want to receive it. Join Rob and Traci as they give an introduction to these five languages and why they are so critical.
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Announcer:
Welcome to The Overly Human Podcast where we discuss all things human in the workplace. Because it's not just business—it's personal too.
Traci:
Hey Rob.
Rob:
Hey Traci.
Traci:
Excited to be back in action here. I been doing a lot of thinking about what is happening in the marketplace right now, what our clients are coming to wrestling, coming to us for and what they want to process and talk about most. And I know you and I have talked about this several times, just the two of us about what we're now calling The Great Reshuffle, more so than The Great Resignation.
And we've talked to a lot of agency owners at different events and really are hearing this sort of cry for how can we best attract and retain employees. The cost of staff replacement and recruiting and training, onboarding and offboarding is not just monetarily, but just energy-wise on our staff is just so intense right now.
And you and I were kind of brainstorming like, what are the things that are working? What are the things that owners can focus on beyond just oh, better pay or advancement ladders, which if you look at 2021's Pew Research, they did a huge survey coming off of the great resignation of why did people leave? Why did they quit their jobs? And the top three were low pay, opportunities for advancement, but the third one was feeling disrespected or for feeling unappreciated, feeling unnoticed.
And I thought that was so fascinating. I mean, we're talking in the top three, above flexibility, above benefits, above all the things that matter. But I found that to be very interesting. And so, we were talking about what are some ways, low cost ways that we can create an even better workplace, a better environment, improve motivation, improve engagement, improve retention.
And so you and I talked about one of our favorite books, which is The Five Love Languages. The Five Love Languages in general, the Gary Chapman book, which is more of a relationship marriage book. It's timeless. I think it's been on the New York times bestseller list for like the most weeks of any book. I'm not even sure, but it's been there permanently placed. But he has another book called, The Five Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace and it's all about the workplace. So, you and I have been digging into that.
And have you found that a fun thing, a fun read?
Rob:
Yeah. It's been interesting to get back into these topics again, with that different focus on the workplace relationships, right. Because finding those parallels between any human relationship I think is absolutely present, but this book does a really good job refraining some of those things we take from The Five Love Languages and putting them into the workplace setting and giving us applicable things that we can do.
But I think that the most important point throughout both of those books is understanding that we all receive love and/or appreciation differently. And if we don't communicate or show it in the way the person receives it, then it's not going to be very effective.
Traci:
Yeah. And I think we've talked a few times about how we can right about something, we can get our point across well, but if we're not actually being heard, it doesn't matter. And this is kind of in that same bent, but it's a little bit different in that we're talking about effective communication, but we're talking about how people actually feel that emotion of appreciation.
And I think one thing that's interesting to remember is that feeling appreciated, self-esteem: that is a natural and basic human need. Once we are able to supply and satisfy the lower needs of that financial, the safety that people need, and knowing that their job is secure, and that they're paid well, and that they have health benefits. Once we reach that—and hopefully all employers are doing that—what our employees are looking for next, is how can I feel valued? How can I come to work and fulfill that need I have that innate right and natural need to feel appreciated and valued and feel like I have purpose in what I'm doing.
And I think sometimes we don't give ourselves the space as leaders to even consider like how do I appreciate my employees? So, we usually go to the common fallbacks which is, "Oh, well, I'll just tell them they did a great job.” Or, “Oh, I'll just give them a gift card." Or we just think of these sort of very common ways of appreciating staff, but what this book talks about goes deeper. It makes us take a pause and say, “Okay, are we appreciating people in ways that we like to be appreciated? And when we're doing that, do they even like it, do they receive it as appreciation? Do they see it as just like some token unoriginal or inauthentic show of appreciation? Do we even know? Do we have these conversations at work?”
And when I was reading this, I was thinking, “Oh my gosh, I don't even know if with my own staff I've talked about how do you like to receive appreciation?”
Have you had that conversation? It's a very intentional, specific conversation. And unless you've read this book—probably most teams haven't had this—but did it resonate with you too as a leader, thinking about how your employees might receive your way of showing appreciation?
Rob:
It totally did. It kind of made me stop and reanalyze again. I believe I can tell you what most of the people who report directly to me, what their language of appreciation is. And I know there is past employees who I was sure that I knew what it was. But I don't know that we've ever talked about it in a more formal way of like having the teams that I lead be really explicit about what those things are, so that everybody can understand it.
Rereading this and kind of getting ready to talk about today, it kind of made me think about some of the things we've talked about, the Myers Briggs or the DiSC assessment or any of those other things about how important it is to take something that we think we know, to formalize it, to give it language, and then elevate it to a place where it becomes the unconscious up to the conscious level where we can actually be intentional with it.
That's so much of what this is because The Five Languages, lot of the examples in this book, aren't revolutionary. They're not things you've never heard of, they're not even crazy ideas. They're all the obvious ones, but they're intentionally placed with the right people so that they can have the impact in the intention that we want.
And I think if there is one theme from doing this podcast where I think we're doing it for two years now is intentionality, right? What can we understand about the humans around us and ourselves so that we can be more intentional and get... This sounds awful, but I'm going to put it in my operation words. We can be more efficient. We can get the bang for our buck, so that we can get the results that we want. It's just reminder again, of how many different levels there are to being intentional, to being deliberate with this kind of activity and the things we do as leaders and how much impact that can have.
Traci:
Yeah. And I think the reason is that we are complex human beings. That's why there are so many layers to this. There's so many facets to human nature and human beings and that's one of the fabulous things about leadership. And I always say, leaders are not just born, they're made. And it's a skill that you have to hone just like designing, developing, accounting, whatever skill you are trying to master in your craft. Leadership, if you are a leader, is a skill you have to work on mastering, there is no one size fits all for humans.
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Traci:
And that's why when we talk about DiSC or we talk about EQ-i, or we talk about these assessments, the reason why I like using them is not because I'm encouraging people to put their staff in a box. That's the last thing I want any leader to do. And sometimes I do see leaders misuse those assessments and they'll say, "Oh, well, you're D and that's why you're acting this way." And it's like, no, no, no, no. We are supposed to use something like DiSC so that we understand human behavior and where we might rest naturally and how we can better communicate. We're not using it to put somebody into a box and label them.
And I always correct people immediately when I see, it's to help leaders hone their craft so that they don't lead with one size fits all. And usually the one size that they're picking that fits all, is their size. It's what I like, how I like to be spoken to, how I like to behave, how I like to get work done, how I like to formulate processes. And that's what gets leaders in trouble. That's why emotional intelligence is such a great tool because it provides us with that self-awareness to say, "Oh, oops. I am missing that little factor, that little component that I need to lead better."
And this is just another way of looking at human nature and testing ourself, testing our leadership skill and saying, "How are you appreciating your staff? Is it one size fits all?"
Rob:
Yeah. All of this stuff gets back to creating better human connection. Humans desire to be connected to each other. They desire to be part of something bigger than themselves. And the way we do that is by making sure that we're facilitating connection by allowing us to understand how the things that I would do or say would be interpreted by somebody who isn't the same as me. If you're the opposite side on the language of appreciation or the DiSC profile, me knowing how I can show up differently for you to create that connection, so that we can do things together.
This gets all back to The Five Dysfunctions of a Team. We have to have trust at the bottom. Trust requires connection, requires understanding. And that has to be built upon doing things intentionally and creating those pieces. It's so interesting to talk about all this stuff, because it's all so related.
Traci:
Yeah. And my hope is that it is interesting for people who are listening, as opposed to exhausting. Sometimes when I'm coaching clients, they're like, “Oh.” And you and I always joke about kind of our favorite line in Mad Men where he says, "She's complaining about not being appreciated and not being noticed and not being loved." And he screams, "That's what the money's for."
And we all have days like that as leaders where we're just like, “Oh, for the love of all that is holy, I'm paying you just do the job.” And so, I just want to recognize that because I know some leaders, especially now, coming through The Great Resignation and the shuffling are just, and the pandemic and everything, are just exhausted. And they're like, "Really, I have to on top of everything else, understand individually how my staff likes to be appreciated."
And my hope is that this conversation, we can find energy in it, as opposed to exhaustion in that. Like you just said, it's a more effective and efficient way of managing. We can stop spinning our wheels and really connect with people more quickly and get the team to move on and up when we understand these concepts well. And so, just having this understanding and this self-awareness is the goal and to help us achieve success in retaining a staff, building a team that isn't constantly turning over and circulating out the door, which is really the cause of our exhaustion. So I just wanted to add that in there, because I know sometimes for a lot of leaders, it can be hard to think of yet another way of looking at connecting with their staff.
Rob:
It can be, and that's something that I know we both hear a lot. But I think it's always an interesting one and I think it's... So, okay. Here's a theory that I've got. I think that we, as small business owners and leaders, have done ourselves a disservice by devaluing the role of leadership and how leadership actually work. That's part of the job. And you showing up intentionally, is what your role is. And you may think it's being the smartest person in the room or leading strategy or doing the craft or whatever it is, and I'm at the point where I fundamentally believe that if you are the leader of any significant size team, your main job is to be the leader. And that is a job. That is what you have room on your plate for. And that is the thing you should be spending your time on. And if you are not, it's probably not being done in an intentional way.
Traci:
Or it might not be the best fit for you. I feel like if you continually are exhausted by leadership, you continually find this whole conversation to just be a general pain in the ass, then maybe leadership isn't for you, maybe honing your craft, mastering your craft, leaning in as a practitioner. And that's perfectly okay. If you feel like leadership is your calling and it does fit your gifting and you're exhausted, you might just need to refuel. You might need to just take a pause, take a breath, refuel, and reenter with a new mindset.
Rob:
Yeah. Knowing yourself well enough to know where your gifting is at and how you want to be spending that time is in itself a great active leadership. There's many different kinds of leaders in our organizations. There's many different types of owners and the vast majority of the people that I run into, this wears them out. And they look at it as they saw it when they were in that individual contributor role of like, the talking head again. And I'm going to guess that most of them didn't have really effective leaders to begin with. So there's not good model that they're striving after, but they're really easy to point to a great technologist, great designer, great whatever they do.
So, just something that I've thought about a lot recently is just not having good examples to go after and not in us as leaders devaluing our own work and how much effort it really takes in intentionality. It really takes to show up the right way.
Traci:
I have many clients that have never had a positive mentor, a positive role model. And I have some clients who are just entrepreneurs and they've actually never had a boss. They started a company right away. Next thing you know, it's super successful. Next thing you know, they're the CEO running the whole thing. And sometimes it can be hard, and I'm constantly encouraging people: you have to look outside yourself, you have to find mentors, you have to learn the skill of leadership, you have to understand and not operate in a vacuum. And so, once again, this is just another way of pulling yourself out of that whirlwind, pulling yourself out of that vacuum and stop looking inward and start looking outward to understand how you can best connect with your staff.
I encourage people, we're going to be going through each of the five languages. And they're so interesting and fun to talk about. We're also going to talk about our own results and how that feels and what we like and dislike and how that affects our relationships in the workplace or even our relationships in our personal life. And I just encourage people, if you're listening, I'd love for you to go online and take this assessment as well, because I think you'll get even more out of our discussions. But yeah, this is just going to be another opportunity for understanding, for honing those leadership skills and just another tool in the toolkit for good leadership or shall I say great leadership.
Rob:
Yeah, exactly.
So, next time we're going to go over the five languages in detail. Real quick, what are they Traci?
Traci:
Yes. They are
Words of affirmation
Quality time
Acts of service
Tangible gifts
Physical touch— which I can hardly wait to talk about cause I'm like, “What?”
But I do have some very good opinion. I'm going to call my opinions good. Maybe you can argue.
Rob:
I might.
Traci:
That might be a good... You might! Let's just say I have some opinions about physical touch, which might surprise you, but I'm so glad that they included that one in the book and didn't delete it. He does say, they thought about taking it out completely because obviously it makes a lot of sense when we're talking about personal relationships and marriage and all of that, but it is what it is. If that's your main way of wanting to receive appreciation, then how do we handle that with people that are like that in our workplace? So, I think that's going to be an interesting conversation.
He points out that the two that are used the most, like kind of the knee-jerk reaction for leaders, are words of affirmation, tangible gifts. But I still think the way that they approach it and how we'll be talking about it might be a bit of a different spin for people. So, I'm excited. I'm really excited to talk about all five of them. And really excited. I don't want you to tell me what yours is.
Rob:
No, that's okay. We'll hold off.
Traci:
We'll hold all off and then when we talk about it, I'll be... Because I'm really curious if we have the same one. Maybe we do.
Rob:
We might. I don't know.
Traci:
I don't know, anyhow.
Rob:
But there's a whole other aspect to all this stuff that's really interesting as we enter the world where a lot of companies, especially in our industry are still distributed and are trending towards being that way indefinitely. So what does that mean and how does that impact, these love languages or languages of appreciation and how they get demonstrated. So, I think there's a bunch of aspects in here that we'll get into over the next couple weeks.
Traci:
Yeah. And I think we'll be intentional about talking about each of these in both those environments. Because I think that'll be helpful for people who are listening.
Rob:
Yeah. Well, awesome. Well, I'm looking forward to getting into it, Traci. Thanks.
Traci:
Yeah. Thank you.
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