Managing End of the Year Stress
We’ve all experienced the end of the year stress: taking on too much, deadlines all at the same time, and emotions running high. But how do you navigate that effectively, even all year long? Tune in as Rob talks about his end of year stress and he and Traci go through ways to best manage cyclical stress.
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Rob:
So it's the end of the year and like most years there is about a billion things going on in... just in my life to be honest. This is one of the busiest weeks that I'm walking into that I can ever remember. We've got a bunch of things going on at Sparkbox. There's some things going on at home that need my attention. There's some extra business things that need to be done to get ready for a fairly major thing. And I just realized as we were doing the prep here that I also have to smoke about a hundred pounds of pork for the band banquet by Wednesday night.
We had planned to talk about something else today. Traci and I got on our prep call this morning and I just kind of said that, "Traci, I'm way overwhelmed and I can't be the only one that feels like this, right?"
Traci:
Yeah, you definitely aren't. This is the fourth quarter holiday, end of the year, whatever we want to title it, just stress bomb. And it is more universal than it should be. And I experience it as well, even though I know I should be drinking more of my own Kool-Aid. But it happens and it tends to happen without us knowing it. And then we wake up at a breaking point.
And this morning I could tell just by looking at your face when we logged on that you had hit a breaking point, a little crossroads in the stress bomb of the last two months of this year.
Rob:
Yeah. And the crazy thing is... So we're recording this on a Monday. Yesterday, Sunday, I actually sat down for about two hours and plowed through a whole bunch of things to make sure I was like, oh. And I actually felt almost ready for Monday until Monday happened.
Traci:
Yeah, it's crazy. I think that what tends to happen this time of year, and this could happen any time of year, but I think we feel it more acutely because of personal pressures as well, that kind of combine with our work pressures is we have these set in stone holiday weeks and we know that we're going to be off during that, or our staff is going to be limited availability. But then when you pile on the fact that, especially if you have kids, it's a very crazy time of year because whether you are showing up to their band banquet—tonight, I have to go to my daughter's cheerleading end of the year banquet, end football season banquet. We have all these banquets and gifts and parties, and so our personal life collides with our business life.
And because at this time of the year, we feel, as business owners, the pressure to wrap the year well and leap into the new year with all our ducks in the row we just kind of overwhelm ourselves.
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Traci:
Part of the reason why it's good for us to be talking about it this morning is to one, normalize it, and two, to figure out how do we navigate it. And part of that navigation is just getting it out in the open, just saying, "This exists. I'm feeling this. I'm feeling the pressure of it, recognizing it." And just like with any issue, the first step is admitting there's a problem. And sometimes that gives us great relief to just say, "Okay, I have to vent. I have to say I have all of these things."
And then of course the next step is what do we do about it? How do we put in place some preventative measures to make sure we don't tilt into complete anxiety?
Rob:
Yeah, because at some point that anxiety is going to make it so that it's actually crippling to get all the things done that have to be done. Right?
Traci:
And also it makes you kind of miss out in enjoying part of this season or being fully present for your children or leaning into that end-of-year review or company celebration or whatever it is because we have this lingering anxiety and stress hovering over us and then we enter the new year. And it's hard not to regret or just feel like it was a flip was... a switch was flipped, and we didn't really have this present experience in those last few months of the year.
Rob:
Yeah, and I think that the other thing that I've always noticed when I get to this point is if I'm not careful, I'm going to get sick too. The stress and all the things build up in your body and all that fun stuff. And at the other side, you can actually...the physical manifestation of that stuff has to go somewhere too.
Traci:
Yeah. And I think it's just important for us to realize that this is an opportunity as leaders and participants in our life to figure out how to live well. How can we take a breath, analyze everything that's on our plate and learn from it? What did I take on that I know I shouldn't have, but because I feel like I can do it better or do it my way or show up well, did I say yes to that I shouldn't have?
And one of my favorite phrases that I've adopted this year is, “That doesn't work for me right now.” Being able to say that “that does not work for me right now” which I think is a more powerful and mentally strong response than just no. We're scared of no, because it sounds mean or it sounds final or it sounds like we're copping out or something. But when we say, "You know what? I'm sorry. That doesn't work for me right now. I can't do that." That's a little bit better, right? Because what we're doing is we're saying we're looking at our life as a whole right now in these months and we're saying it doesn't fit.
And I think being able to say no, and then the second rule here is asking others to join in to help or to take it on completely. And it's really hard for us overachievers and doers and visionaries and operators and all of these aspects of our personality to bring somebody else in and say, "You know what? I'm just going to ask. What's the worst they can say?" They can say it doesn't work for them right now, and I can honor that. Or they can say, "Oh, I would love to do that. I've always wanted to do that." Or, "I've been wanting to take a stab at that." And sometimes we get so busy we don't leave space to ask, to think of who can help us because we're just barreling through like a freight train to get everything done.
Rob:
Yeah, that's what it feels like. And I think it's the... Also, all this is indicative of how we usually get there. It's rarely one thing that you've said yes to. It's usually all of the things you've said yes to that stack up now. I've been working in software projects for well over 20 years now, and I believe through some magical principle that I'll never understand is that the due dates, and release dates, and project things have magnetic properties to each other. They bunch. And I think that's true with to-dos too. You can say yes to a whole bunch of things that are logically spread out, but for whatever reason, a couple of them will slip and a couple of the other ones will come due early, and they seem to group. Do you find that too? Or am I just crazy? Is this just my brain playing tricks on me?
Traci:
It's an interesting philosophy. I feel like there is a lot of grouping because we can admit that there's down times too. Right? This time of the year would not be one of those. So I guess there would be that magnetic property factor there of everything coming together. I do think too, that we fall into the trap that busyness equals productivity and rarely does it. And if we're going for the goal of being productive and present, which I think are lofty, but really valiant goals, to be productive and present. So think about that as we're finishing up the year and going into the new year, how can you accomplish that? And you don't accomplish it from busyness. You really don't.
And there is not one person who can honestly say that they have a list of to-dos and they must either do every single thing on it to be successful or that there aren't things on it that they can't give away or delegate, or that there aren't things on there that really you shouldn't be doing at all. Is it a hundred percent necessary? And so does it have to be perfect? Does it have to look perfect. Does that person you're doing this for really care? Is there somebody else who can help? All of those things. There's not one of us, if we admit and are honest with each other, that doesn't have a list that we could at least cross three or four things off if we're honest and if we just let go of the reins a little bit.
And so I think we really, in an effort not to... because we're lazy or because we whatever, but just in that effort to be, how can I make my list more productive and more impactful? What can I get rid of? And then how can I be more present during every day of this season for my family, for my coworkers, for my children? What can I do and what can I cross off?
And that's a hard task because we want to do it and there's some of these things we enjoy even though we shouldn't be doing it. And so I think that's a really hard thing. And I think people don't give it enough credit how hard it is to say goodbye to some of these things that we like that's on our list. Well, somebody else likes it too and might have the space to do it. And so we can't do it all. And I think especially as business owners and entrepreneurs, especially, when you feel like you can build anything, you have a vision for any... You know how it should be done. You are into the mechanics. You really want to tackle something. There's something about that mountain of to-dos that is like Mount Everest and you're like, "I can do it." And it's great. I believe you. I believe you can do it all. That doesn't mean you should.
Rob:
Yeah, well, it's that old Jurassic Park quote, "Just because they were so obsessed with figuring out if they could, they never stopped to think about if they should." Right? And that's the truth of all this stuff is there is an infinite amount of good things we can all do in the world that are all worthy of. It's then the ruthless work of figuring out what we can do and what works for us.
Rob:
Hey Traci, what is your favorite thing about The Bureau?
Traci:
Community. I just love meeting people and then learning from each other. How about you?
Rob:
Yeah, it's very much meeting people. Some of the relationships that I have, including you and I meeting there, has been a huge benefit to my company and my career and just my own personal well-being. So that's a lot of credit to give to a sponsor, but in this case, it's actually true. And if you haven't heard The Bureau, go check them out on bureauofdigital.com. They just released their 2023 event calendar with all their in-person events and over 50 free online events for members. Memberships are going up. So don't wait. Visit bureauofdigital.com.
Rob:
One of the things that's been really interesting about what's going on right now with me— Because this episode's about me, and I'm doing that right now because I need this coaching more than anybody else does right now in this moment. I'm going to be selfish for a minute—is the thing is I'm a ruthless delegator.
I've learned that lesson over, and over, and over again and I still found myself in this place, some of it by... Some things that I can't delegate, some of the things that I said yes to because I wanted to be kind and I'm still here. So what can you tell me in this place where I'm at trying to get through this week where there's not much left to delegate?
Traci:
Yeah, I think... Well, one is, and this isn't going to help you today, but it will help you in 2023, is I cannot—and you know what our business is all about—but I cannot stress enough the importance of planning, planning ahead. And you want to do it for the entire year and then you want to do it for each quarter. And as you look at that calendar and as you schedule things, whether that's a leadership meeting or a retreat, or reviews, when you're going to do reviews, or when you're going to do salary increases, or whatever it is, when you're looking at that, you have to be ruthless, and you're thinking and you're analyzing of is this really a good time to do it? Knowing I know what's going to happen every year, everything happens, it... I mean, it always is this way. How can I clear the calendar? How can I say, "You know what, we're going to do this in July because that's really slow." Or, "We're going to do this in whatever," and really be strict about it and say.
And I feel like sometimes we feed into that summer lull just a little too much. We aren't sort of stressing, we need everybody around for this meeting this week, but other weeks you can take vacation or whatever it is. And we kind of relax and we catch our breath and then we jump back into the races again when it comes fourth quarter or the end of third into fourth quarter. And we do it to ourselves every single year. So first we just need to plan better.
Second, if there aren't things that you can delegate and your list really belongs to you, then you need to start having a lot of grace for yourself. Everything you pull off does not need to be perfect because it's just not going to be perfect because that's impossible. Right? So do the best you can do and let it go. Do the best you can do with the time you have and let it go and just send it out into the universe.
And also, you have a lot of things on your plate that aren't just task-oriented but emotionally-oriented, so they have emotional weight against them. Make sure you separate the two so that you realize, "Okay, this is just a task I need to get done and the emotions I'm feeling around this task, I need to deal with those differently." And whether that's talking it out with a friend, or your coach, or a mentor, or whether it's just taking a minute to recharge and relax, which I always say those are two totally different things. How we fill our bucket and recharge is different than just laying around and relaxing. So think about how you're going to really refuel yourself and blow off the steam. And for some people it's like sometimes they just need to go for a jog.
So when people start deleting from their list or their calendar in a busy week exercising or eating healthy or doing, they feel it emotionally and they don't realize it. So attack both sides of what you're experiencing right now. Look at that list hard, but then also make sure that you are caring for yourself and making healthy choices emotionally. Because you'll realize when you let some of that emotion go or you put it in its proper place, or you refuel well, or you blow off the steam that all of a sudden the list doesn't seem so daunting anymore.
So I think it's healthy for us to be looking at the whole of what we're experiencing. And sometimes it's not just the list that's making us feel overwhelmed. And for some people, especially this time of the year, it could be having to get together with family and some families have a lot of division and turmoil, or it's seeing a relative you haven't seen in a long time, or it's going to a Christmas party that you're kind of uneasy about because you're an introvert. There's all this emotional baggage that's on top of our to-do that makes it feel weightier than what it really is. And we have to pull that apart.
Rob:
I mean, speaking from a personal experience, that's really hard sometimes because stress is stress regardless of where the input comes from. If it's the emotional piece, if it's the looming deadlines, if it's physical stress from exerting yourself too much working out, or whatever the case, all of that stuff adds up and there is a... or too much caffeine is another place that I'm currently dealing with right this second. All those things add up.
Traci:
Yeah, they do. And I think one of the helpful tools that I use in coaching is to identify what your stressors are versus what is just plain old anxiety. So stress is we come up against a threat and we either run from that threat, we fight that threat, or for some of us we just bury it and don't deal with it. Right? Well, if you don't deal with the stress or face the threat or solve the problem, then you're going to just continue to feel stressed. And whether that's a relational thing, a task that you have to get done, whatever, a hurdle you have to get over, if you don't deal with the stressor, you will remain stressed. And so it's really good to write down what your stressors are and then figure out how you're going to address those.
Now, let's say you remove the stressor, you successfully get rid of that threat, but yet you still feel off and stressed. That's anxiety. Anxiety is an emotional issue and the vast majority of Americans are anxious. It's the number one diagnosed mental disorder today is anxiety. That's amazing. Right?
So why is that happening so much and it didn't happen in the past? Well, we're inundated with way too much. I mean, for some people, I can say to them, when we're trying to pick apart their anxiety and the emotional residual feelings they have going on, if I just say, "Take a week off of social media," you cannot believe the results that we get from just that.
So when you have so much coming at you from a technology standpoint, the real things you have in your life on top of the fake things that are coming at you, it tends to be a big weight. This is especially true for young adults, but it's true for people that are older as well. And so that's just one example of how we can reduce our anxiety. But I find it's helpful for my clients when we're able to pull those two things apart and really say, "Okay, let's list the stressors. Let's try to solve for the stressors. Okay, we've solved for the stressors. What is that residual anxiety that you're feeling?"
And for some people, maybe we need—like we talked about before—coaching therapy, talking to people to really suss through that anxiety and really try and have, whether it's cognitive therapy, whether... Whatever it is to get you to a better place with the story you're telling yourself in your mind or what you're trying to suppress or whatever it is, but dealing with that as well. And so that's a hefty topic, dealing with it.
But the thing is, is that if we are at all prone to anxiety during this time of the year, it gets even more exacerbated and more heightened and we all cope with it in different ways. So overachievers or overdoers or whatever, cope with anxiety oddly by doing more. Right? Because when we achieve something, when we're able to tackle that entire list, it's soothing. It makes us feel better. We are doing what makes us feel best. And so that's what overachievers tend to do. And so we don't realize it, it's a subconscious thing, but when we become conscious of it, we can say, "Okay, what am I doing just to soothe myself? What am I doing just to achieve? And can I be okay with letting a few things slide here and there?"
Rob:
Yeah, that's great advice. I need to take some of that to heart. I need to take a look…so my to-dos today are to look at my to-do list and figure out what I can either delegate, give away or solve for, or in some cases just to get done. Yeah, check them off.
Traci:
Mm-hmm. Yep.
Rob:
Okay.
Traci:
Yeah, and this is, like I say, I woke up this morning and I was laughing because my husband was asking me like, "What are you doing? What's on your list today?" And I was like, "Oh my gosh, I have two or to three pages, single-spaced, of things I have to get done." And sometimes I'll wander into procrastination mode for some of them. And you should be always tackling your hardest first. Always tackle the hardest first. And I keep saying that to myself and then I'm like, "Ooh, it's Cyber Monday." And next thing you know, I'm seeing all the emails in my personal email box and I was like, "Ooh, that's a good sale." And then, "What am I doing? No, it's going to be Cyber Monday all day. Focus on the hardest things now and you can do that later." But it's like you constantly have to renew your mind.
It's like you're preaching to yourself all the time. And all I can say to you and everybody else listening is you are not alone. We're all in this together. We're all tackling that same Mount Everest together and we can make it to each base camp, but we have to stay focused and we have to stay diligent, and we really have to give ourselves a lot of grace. It's okay if it all doesn't get done. It's okay if you just give your best and let it go.
Rob:
Well, all right, I think I needed this this morning and I hope that—because we are going... this is going to go live here at the end of the year. If anybody else needs to hear this, I hope this helps.
So thanks, Traci.
Traci:
You're welcome. Anytime.
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The Overly Human Podcast is brought to you by Navigate the Journey and Sparkbox. For more information on this podcast, or to get in touch with Traci or Rob, go to overlyhuman.com. If you like what you've heard, subscribe and tell your friends to listen. Thanks.
