Be Proactive: The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
Being proactive doesn’t just mean getting ahead. In our second episode on Stephen Covey’s book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Rob and Traci unpack the difference between being proactive and reactive, the stimulus response, and the circle of influence. Learn why practicing this important habit can benefit your relationship with your team.
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Traci:
So today we are hopping into our first habit. I'm so excited. We're going to be talking about Stephen Covey's The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
And habit number one is be proactive. And so when I was thinking about this, Rob, but it was kind of interesting because rereading this chapter after so long ago of reading it the first time and hearing how he described the difference between being proactive and being reactive and just that subtle difference in mentality and language reminded me of how so many of my clients and even my friends reacted during the pandemic.
And one of the things that I remind my clients in coaching engagements, especially during a time of high stress or crisis is oftentimes our shadow self can come out. And that space between stimulus and response shrinks and we can kind of go into victim mode. And I'm wondering if you sort of sense that, saw that over the last year, 18 months, of people navigating pretty tough time, a scary, intense stress-filled time and if you saw some triggers go off around you.
Rob:
Yeah, I totally did. I think it was like almost easy for that to happen and that to be what people's reaction was because it felt like the world and environment was happening to us and it was happening to us. And I think it takes a lot of mindfulness and self-awareness to be in a place where we can still own our actions and own our response when the world is actually coming to a stop around us. And it was definitely exaggerated conditions in the last year.
But I think that happens even more often for business owners is there's a lot of moments where it feels like the world is coming to an end.
Traci:
Yeah. And that's the difference. I mean, when you are an entrepreneur and you've built a business, the weight of the world is pretty heavy on your shoulders. You have a team and in some cases for a lot of owners had office spaces and we're having to really think quick on your feet while trying to manage the catastrophizing in your head. Like the, "Oh no. Oh no. This is going to go down. The ship is sinking" to be able to separate that and take a pause.
And one of the things I find interesting in this chapter is if you just read the word “Be Proactive” those words in habit one. You might guess like, "Oh, okay, well he just means like get ahead of things or get out of bed in the morning and kind of tackle the day." But he goes much deeper than that.
And he talks about this, the stimulus—which is what we're talking about in this example would be the pandemic—and your response. And that there's a space in-between there. And that's the space where we make a choice. And the choice is ours. And only we are responsible for that choice in how we're going to react. And we sometimes just go on autopilot and it happens to all of us, but if our autopilot is the blame game or to be a victim or to shift responsibility or to not have control over our emotions, he would categorize that as a reactive response. And it's an easy place to go.
It's easy for our human nature to go there to say, "Well, this is the government's fault. The economy is going to fail so that means my business is going to fail. It's my business partner's fault. It's the team's fault." Or to just not have control of your emotions and get really wound up, super stressed out really reactive in your emotions. Or to just be a victim and kind of give up to say, "Well, I don't have control over this. So I'm just going to throw in the towel." And they can feel like a natural place to be.
But one thing I noticed in my conversations with clients is that they often didn't realize that this was their language or this was their mentality until you kind of call it out and say, "Okay, well that's one way to view it, but what if we kind of flip the script? What if we start using proactive language and we start looking at the things we do have control over and we start to get our arms around the chaos, and learn how to navigate it well?"
Rob:
Yeah. And I think that's that mindset of looking for what we can do in the situation. Instead of saying things like, "I have to do that." It's, “I will choose to do this.” “If I can't.” “I choose.” “I must.” “I prefer.” These words we use are really powerful and they indicate where we see ourselves as actors in our own decisions and what is happening in the environment. And like just to take this back a little bit, one of the things I tell my children all the time is we have so little control in the world of what happens to us or what others will say, but we have complete ownership on our attitude and our response. And that is where your character comes through and that is where the things happen that are important.
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Traci:
Yeah. It's the response ability. Our ability to choose our response. And I think if we own that, it changes not only what's happening internally in us, but it also changes how we come across which is super important to us as leaders are how our team is perceiving us and how we react. I call it emotional intelligence. And I harp on that a lot, but I think it's the best way to sort of understand that ability on how we manage our emotions and how we react to other people's emotions. That EQ is key and it's a flexible skill.
We're talking about a habit here, all of these are habits. And if you practice them and you train yourself and you coach yourself to flip the script, to change your reaction, to give yourself a pause to be mindful, then it becomes a habit.
Rob:
Yeah. And I think that's a really, really important point that's worth repeating is these are habits which means they're learned skills, which means we need to practice them. And just like anything else that we practice, we have to do so and practice these things on a day-to-day basis. So when the stakes go up and the pressure goes up, things are happening in the environment we are ready to respond in a way that we've practiced.
Traci:
Yeah.
Rob:
Like professional athletes and like all of that, they don't step on the field and expect to do something they haven't practiced before. And we're no different as leaders, as business owners.
One of the things the last year has really illustrated to me is how many times my role at my company is to make a hard choice with no good outcomes. I'm choosing between hard thing one and hard thing two. And do I like my choices? No, but those are the two that exist and I have to be able to weigh them out.
Traci:
Right. And I think the key is is that you're finding choices. So I think the whole concept of you were talking about this just a couple seconds ago about what you can control and what you can't control. And I think that is a helpful way of looking at things. One of the things that paralyze people is feeling completely out of control during the pandemic. And so the concept of thinking about your circle of concern and your circle of influence, I thought, is such a great illustration in this chapter.
Where your circle of concern are all the things in the world that we're concerned about. And our circle of influence are all the areas we can do something about. So it's this level of controllability. What do we have direct influence over? What do we have indirect influence over? And what do we have no control over?
And so if we're concerned about a lot of things in the world, how can we differentiate between the way we can influence? What are the things we can influence and what are the things we just have to accept? "Okay, we have no control over that. So I'm just going to kind of put that up on the shelf and it exists, but then how am I going to broaden my circle of influence?"
And I think that's a helpful exercise for people because you can feel so concerned about the pandemic and so concerned about your business that it can overtake your ability to find the choices, to find the influence. And so step one in a crisis is to sit down and take a breath and say, "Okay, what are the things I can influence? What are the things I can control?” And write those things down and say, “Okay, I'm going to put my energy in these things and I'm not going to put my energy in the things I can't control. I'm not going to become obsessed about them. I'm not going to let them paralyze me. I'm not going to be completely worried about them and go down the rabbit hole of Twitter or Facebook or whatever. That's not a good source of my energy or time. I'm going to shift my focus."
And I love that it's one of these practice training tools to turn this into a habit is to say, "Take a breath and think about your circle of influence."
Rob:
Understanding what is in your ability to change. And as leaders that thing that we have in our circle of influence is usually pretty big. The impact we can have on our family and the people that work with us and their families is actually quite a bit of surface area. And I think that once we can embrace that and take care of those people and help put them first, it changes a lot of that feeling out of control.
Because we can start steering the ship in a direction that there are choices to be made. And sometimes the choices aren't great. Sometimes all the choices in front of us stink, but the fact that we still have choices and that we can be transparent about them and explain why we're making them, that demonstrates good leadership, it helps build trust.
And I think that that's one of the things that when we talk about proactivity in leadership, the last year has really highlighted to me of how much our people look to us in time of uncertainty. And just want to know that deliberation and choices are being made that they can trust. And that they can believe in, that their best interests are being considered.
And like how many times have you talked to your clients? And I know that I've talked to people that I've worked with that said, "Well, I don't know how to explain that to people." And my answer usually is is, "Well, you're going to have to be vulnerable and be transparent with them." Our people will understand a lot of the things we explained to them if we explain it to them. But if we don't, we both know this and we've talked about this before. People will make up their own stories and the stories they make up are often Looney Tunes. There's no basis in reality.
Traci:
Yeah. It's true. I mean, the simple fact is that you can reduce the stress and get control over a situation when you start meeting people where they are. And to your point, meeting them where they are authentically. And so at the beginning of any crisis, I always coach myself first and then my clients to focus on relationships, to just show up where you can. Because there are some things that we can't work on right now because we're not quite sure the direction we're going in or things seem uncertain and that's fine.
But the one thing we know that is certain are relationships. So focusing on client relationships, focusing on relationships with your team, focusing on the relationships with your family, being present. And sort of shaking yourself out of the panic and saying, "Okay, let's start there. Let's start with saying to our clients, 'How are you doing? What can I do for you? I know it's kind of a tough time and I just want to make sure you know I'm here. And if you need to process through anything, I'm here.'"
Showing up for your team, like you said, and just being authentic and saying, "Gosh, this is hard. It totally sucks. I get it. And we've got some tough decisions ahead, but how can I come alongside you? How's your work going? How are things going at home?" And if you start there, that's kind of the breath that you need to take and it slows everything down.
And then from there, we can start using the right language of the “Be’s,” as he says. He has the “Have’s” and the “Be’s”. The “Have’s” are the reactive. "I have to have this. If only this happened. If it would just stop or if I could just get this that's reactive behavior." Proactive are the “Be’s.” "I can be more diligent. I'm going to be more resourceful. How can we be more creative? What's a way that we can be more cooperative or collaborative? How can we be more present?"
So if we start using that language with our team and with ourselves—because it always starts in our own brain and we start retraining the brain—and we start having that conversation and using that language, we'll find it's contagious because then all of a sudden the team starts using that language. And then all of a sudden you start to see traction and everybody's thinking, "Okay, we can get through this. We can get through this. Let's figure this out."
And the business owners that had that language, had that mentality got their team on the same page. It's been really encouraging and somewhat inspiring to see how they've come out the other side of this pandemic stronger and more diligent in their work, more focused, more united, more aligned. It's just like anything. The tough times, they hone us and they shape us and they're difficult. But if we can get through them, we come out the other side stronger and more aligned as a team. And that's what I saw happen, but it's that subtle shift in your mind, that subtle proactive shift.
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Rob:
Leadership matters. We've said it dozens of times in these conversations that we've had. Leadership matters. It matters a lot. It matters in subtle ways. It matters in major ways. And one of the things that it matters most in is setting the tone and direction. And what you see when you have proactive leaders who are taking responsibility for where they are and what their role is in moving forward, you see proactive teams who do the same. And I hate being that simple, but it really is. How we show up matters. And our teams will follow a lot of times.
And I think that one of the things that, back to that whole paralysis part that we saw with leaders during the last year was because there was no good answers. And leaders I've heard several times it's like, "Well, I didn't have an answer. So I didn't say anything." And my response was consistently is that's the worst time not to say something. It's okay to show up in front of your team, front of your company and say, "This is a problem that faces us. I don't have a good answer yet, but here's how I'm thinking through it. Here's what I see as the options."
Why do we do that? Because it is where we are, it's authentic. And if we really believe we employ a whole bunch of smart capable team members, then maybe they have better ideas that they can share with us. I don't necessarily believe that our teams want to look for us for everything, but what they want to look for is that authentic, that we're considering these things, that we're thinking through the hard things. There's assurance in that. There is safety in that. There's trust amongst leaders and teammates when we share the things that are being struggled through.
Traci:
Yeah. And I think too, there's a level of optimism in this habit. So when we're tackling these issues and we're talking to our team about, and to your point, using our words so that they're not guessing what we're thinking. If we're also making sure in our language is the optimism that he kind of breezed into this chapter this like, "We can do this. I will take responsibility." The “I have a choice, you have a choice.”
One of my favorite sayings that drives my family crazy, but I'm always like, "If there's a will, there's a way." I’m constantly I'm saying that. And it was drilled into me by my father basically. It's like, "Find a way out, figure it out. You can always figure something out. It might not be easy, but get to the other side."
And that mentality really is this habit. In emotional intelligence, we'd say there's am assertiveness, that trait. There's aggressiveness which we don't want to be and there's passive which we don't want to be. We want to be in the middle which is assertive. That's the goal. And a couple of times in the chapter, he talks about proactive doesn't mean pushy. And it was funny because he said it probably three or four times. And I was like, "Wow, that's interesting." That I guess people get the feeling that you're being pushy if you're being proactive if you're saying, "We can do this. We can get through it. We can figure it out." And I think what we're looking for here is assertiveness is that confidence in a leader.
So we want to be authentic and vulnerable, but we also want this air of confidence. That's what a leader is about. They're at the helm of the ship. And people can look as they do in crisis to the captain of the ship and think, "Okay, he doesn't or she doesn't look like she's going to crumble so I'm not going to crumble. So we're going to be okay. We're going to survive." And I think that level of assertiveness and confidence and even if inside you're a little bit shaky because you don't have it all figured out, that's okay. You don't have to have it all figured out. The thing you have to have figured out is that you can get to the other side.
Rob:
That's right. It's not about knowing the exact path. It's about knowing that first step on that journey, which is often realizing there's a way through.
Our teams know better. They know we don't have all the answers. We're human. What we want to make sure is the next right thing is done. And the humility to be able to say, "If we realize that thing is wrong, then we will call it out for what it is and try something different."
Traci:
Yeah. The confidence in that I think is key to say, "Well if we mess up, such as life. Get back on the horse. But we're going to get through the other side because guess what? There's no other option. I'm not closing up shop. So let's all buckle down and get through it."
The reactive language and the reactive mentality is, "I'm not sure. I'm not sure we're going to do it and everything's against us. And you know it's not my fault because look at the economy and it's not my fault because the world's crumbling around us. And I can't travel and I can't do this." And you can hear it in the voice. You can hear the uncertainty. You can hear the mentality is sitting in the wrong place.
And so when we can hold each other accountable in that, in our relationships with our business partners and relationships with our life partners, and we can say, "Hey, when I start to use this language, catch me. I want you to catch me because I want to rewrite the script." And we can practice this habit, but we just have to be open to correction. And we also have to be self-aware. We have to have that awareness where we can hear the words coming out of our mouth and be like, "Whoop. I just did it, dang it. I said, I have to have that. I don't have to have that. I can do this. I'm going to figure out what I can do and just focus on that. Forget about all the things I don't have control over."
And if we can catch ourselves and we can catch our teammates. And we can agree as a team—I love when teams have this conversation, especially leadership teams. And I bring this up with leadership teams and you start to hear them say, "All right. Okay. Yeah, let's do this with each other. Let's catch each other's language and see how that goes for the next month." You can see change happen and it's pretty powerful.
Rob:
It absolutely is. And it's amazing that our mouths and our words are often indicators where attitudes are headed. The bearing of the ship. The things that we put out there, we project or where we're going and how we're going to get there. I think that it's just so interesting when we talk about these things and how these subtle little changes add up to the ability to have new possibilities.
And one of the things that, like a trick that I've learned over the last year or so is when having conversations about really hard things, make sure it's really clear upfront with the person you're talking about it with is, "I'm not looking for you to provide me answers. I'm looking for a different perspective on this." And collecting those different perspectives on something allows you to see the possibilities and what the answers may potentially be lying out there that you can't see from where you sit right now.
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Traci:
Yeah, that's good. That's good. All these types of conversations and these types of tricks and these types of things that we've realized over time that help us stay on the right track have to be set out loud. We have to have these conversations with our team. These are team health conversations. And if we only focus on business and we don't have these conversations. Because to some of us it just seems like common sense. Like, "Oh, of course. I've been doing that for years or whatever." But that doesn't mean it's universally accepted amongst the team. So the more you can speak these things out loud, the more success you're going to have as a team.
Rob:
Absolutely. Yeah. And during this whole conversation, one of the things that kept coming to my brain is so my wife on our wall in our kitchen writes quotes for the kids each week. And the quote this week was, "Whatever you think you can or you think you can't, you're right." –Henry Ford.
Traci:
Yeah. That's a good one.
Rob:
And I'm like, "Oh, this is perfect timing." This is what we're talking about.
Traci:
Yeah, absolutely. I love those little quotes because it is a reminder, but I feel like and I've said this oftentimes when I'm speaking at conferences and whatnot—I might not be teaching anything new, but the reminder is what we need. And sometimes those helpful quotes, the things we can write at our desk or the things that we have pop up as daily reminders, I say to people, "Put it in your calendar." It's just a daily reminder or something right before your team meeting, just put it like five minutes before your team meeting in your calendar that Henry Ford quote, or something about this be proactive habit. So that we're, again, you got to practice and train yourself and your team in order for it to become a habit.
Rob:
That's awesome.
All right, Traci, what's your takeaway for this week?
Traci:
Well, I have to say, I think one of the biggest things in this chapter that stuck with me is the stimulus response. And I think that is such a cool concept for us to remember.
And the takeaway for me and I hope for some others can be think about what stimulates you during the week. It doesn't have to be a worldwide pandemic. It can just be a client reaction to some project. It can be a teammate saying something. You're going to have a reaction. We are humans and we will have a reaction.
Be mindful of the space in-between. What's the space in your brain in-between the stimulus and the response? Are you able to take a breath in that space and make sure your mindset is in the right place, that you're having a responsible mindset? What can you take responsibility for and can you make a choice to respond well?
So this week that would be application for all of us, myself included is just recognize the stimulus, take a breath before you respond.
Rob:
That's good.
Traci:
What about you?
Rob:
So one of the things I took away was this whole idea that he talks about, which is act or be acted upon. Those are your two choices. You can either be proactive and do something and take, not control, but influence where things are going in your circle of influence or you're going to be a passenger.
And that stood out to me because I don't know about you, but I hate being a passenger. I don't like riding in the passenger seat. I like having the ability to speak into where I think we're going. And given those choices, I think it's an easy one.
Traci:
Yeah and I like it.
Another great chapter. This is going to be fun. I feel like it's so packed with helpful advice and then even bringing kind of modern day, things that are more relevant today into this conversation you can see how evergreen this information is, but how it's even evolved through the years. So super helpful. It's going to be helpful for me this week I know to put some of these applications into action.
Rob:
Yeah. Thanks. Traci.
Traci:
Thank you.
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